Category: quotation marks

5 Things You Should Know Before Reading How To Be A Woman

This month’s selection had all sorts of Our Shared Shelf-ers up in arms. Maybe folks expected something different from a book with the words “how to” in the title. Maybe they were not ready for her language. Whatever the case may be, folks railed against her exclusivity (she wrote from an exclusively white cis female pov) and words she used like “fat” and “tranny.”

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Emma Watson started a feminist book club on GoodReads. This month, we read Caitlin Moran’s How to be a woman.

(You can check out the books from the last couple of months here and here)

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Caitlin Moran is raw, funny, open, and nothing if not controversial.

(Though I try to be as family friendly as possible, due to the nature of this particular book, this post is not for young eyes. You have been warned.)

This month’s selection had all sorts of Our Shared Shelf-ers up in arms. Maybe folks expected something different from a book with the words “how to” in the title. Maybe they were not ready for her language. Whatever the case may be, folks railed against her exclusivity (she wrote from an exclusively white cisgender female pov) and words she used like “fat” and “tranny.”

So, in lieu of a review of sorts, I decided to go with a warning of sorts this month. Just in case you are thinking of grabbing this book off the shelf to take a gander…

  1. This book is not ok for young young ladies. Moran talks about– and thereby IMG_9485normalizes– things that are typically off limits (especially for us ladies). Things like masturbation, menstruation, drug use, miscarriage, and abortion. If these are things you have not talked about with your little lady, you may want to do that first. On the other hand, because of how raw and open Moran is, I think this could be used as a discussion starter with older teens. Mom and daughter book club, anyone?
  2. This is totally NOT a “how to” book. Before I started reading it, my eight year old saw it on the counter and said, “How to be a woman?! But, there is no RIGHT way to be a woman, mom!” to which I replied, “I am thinking that might be kinda the point.” It is, on the other hand, a memoir about her adolescence and young adulthood. One Our Shared Shelfer put it really well, “…the whole thing reads like a love letter to her younger self, like advice she wishes she could’ve sent back into the past… Like she’s teaching herself how to be a woman.” She opens each chapter with a personal memory, an experience. Then she takes us through lessons learned and her thoughts on those experiences now. So, if you are thinking you might want to see what all the fuss is about, remember, you will not actually learn how to be a woman. You might, however, learn about another woman’s life. And thereby learn a thing or two about yourself.
  3. Keeping the fact that this is a MEMOIR in mind, Caitlin is a WHITE, CIS FEMALE. She is now upper-middle class, though some of the stories about her youth strongly suggests she grew up downright poor. And she writes from this white, cisgender female, middle class point of view. Though this seems obvious, I add it to the warnings, because folks over at Our Shared Shelf were super upset about her ignoring the experiences of non-white, non-middle class, non-cis gendered females in her book. I might be totally missing the point of their argument, but I feel like I would have been pretty offended if she tried to include the experiences she had not herself experienced.
  4. She is not formally educated and writes in a very raw way. According to some book club members, she was homeschooled, and then started working as a pop culture and music critic when she was 16. She writes in a very readable manner-I like she is writing to a friend. She uses ALL CAPS and lots of exclamation marks!!!! So if you are looking for a scholarly discussion of the female experience, this ain’t it.
  5. She is not angry. She is a feminist, sure. But you will not find angry rants here. In fact, she talks about things like laughing at the patriarchal crap, encourages us to look at everyone as “one of the guys,” suggests replacing terms like “pro-women” with “thumbs up for the 6 billion,” and asking if things are “polite” rather than “sexist” or “misogynistic.” One group member put it this way:

I think one of the main things I am going to take from this book is that it’s time to laugh at the patriarchal crap that is said in my presence. Laugh at it and give it no power. Oh I will still fight for the things that need a strong and perhaps angry voice. But in my day to day life, it’s time to laugh as if what has been said is just too stupid to be taken seriously.

The response to this book was VERY mixed, and lots of members decided not to read it at all. One member, however, could not get enough. She wrote:

Can we appreciate this book for what it is? I also have a deep appreciation for her very graphic depictions of pivotal moments in a woman’s life, often considered taboo to discuss publicly in too much detail. While she still employs humor in those sections, the tone definitely shifts; the material is darker, heavier, and simply disgusting. I love it! I’m referring specifically to her graphic discussions of menstruation, masturbation, and drug use, but especially her first childbirth and later abortion. I know she is not the first or only writer to do this, but this is one thing that, in my opinion, we can’t get enough of. These issues need constant exposure to be normalized and to erase the stigma!

Personally, I enjoyed the book. I thought she used humor and blatant honesty to discuss things I had never seen anyone write about before. Yes, she was  insensitive about some issues that are on the fore-front of everyone’s minds right now, and I will not defend her for it. Nevertheless, I was able to take some nuggets of wisdom away from the book, and I thought it was intriguing to read about a coming-of-age experience that was so different from mine (or was it??).

If you are not at all familiar with Caitlin Moran (I had never heard of her before reading this book) here are a couple of clips to give you a feel for her style…

The first clip is an open letter to teenage girls. I dare you not to tear up.

In the second clip, she kinda sorta addresses a comment she made on Twitter. See, apparently she and Lena Dunham chatted and Twitter user lizzie c was not happy that Moran did not address the lack of women of color in Dunham’s show “Girls.” When Lizzie expressed her concern, Moran replied that she “literally couldn’t give a shit about it.” This obviously made quite an impression on folks. Though she doesn’t apologize (I have a feeling that’s not really her style), she does touch on it a bit at the end of the second clip. She talks about ‘Girls’ as being mostly about spoiled white girls in New York because Lena Dunham was a spoiled white girl in New York. Dunham is most comfortable making jokes about her experiences because they are her experiences. Moran mentions that she looks forward to more and more people sharing their own experiences, perhaps by using the template Dunham has laid out.

 

 

 

April

 

Beauty is…unapologetic

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being apologetically herself

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There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being apologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the essence of true beauty. (Steve Maraboli)
There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being apologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the essence of true beauty. (Steve Maraboli)

Have Courage and Be Kind

Every day I am learning to be a little selfish. I think it is a trait a lot of good woman need. If for no other reason than to teach our daughters that their desires have worth and validity.

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My girls and I watched the new Cinderella the other night. In the movie, Cinderella’s mother’s last words to her were, “Have courage, and be kind.”

Cinderella starts with the ‘be kind’ part. She is too kind. You know the story– she lets the step sisters and step mother walk all over her in the name of being kind. How often have you found yourself being taken advantage of, all the while thinking you were just being kind? Kind to the other person, sure. But not very kind to yourself.

That is where the ‘have courage’ part comes in. Courage comes in lots of forms. In it’s most obvious form, it is courage that allows us to stand up to someone that is hurting us, even if it is just to say, “Ouch. That hurts.”

Less obvious is the courage it takes to be kind to ourselves. To take time to do what you want to do for no other reason than you want to do it. Maybe this is more true for women than for men, but I can’t help but feel a little guilty when I put energy and effort into something that no one else will directly benefit from. I will be the only one gleaning pleasure. I will be the only one profiting. Women are often told that such actions are selfish. And perhaps they are.

Every day I am learning to be a little selfish. I think it is a trait a lot of good woman need. If for no other reason than to teach our daughters that their desires have worth and validity. They can say, “My desire to (fill in the blank) is enough to justify me doing (fill in the blank).” Nobody is allowed to call me ‘less than’ for doing what I desire. I can let the dishes sit in the sink while I write because I can let the dishes sit in the sink while I write. I don’t want to do the dishes right now. I want to write. My desire is more important than the dishes. (Sounds a bit silly when we put it that way, doesn’t it?)

The obvious limit here is when doing what you desire brings harm. But then we come back to kindness.

Ladies, do what you gotta do. Whatever that looks like. Take care of your responsibilities. But also, take care of you. Because you are beautiful and worthy and your desires are valid because they belong to you.

Beauty is…realizing you are the beholder.

…the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder.

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I love love love this quote attributed to Selma Hayek (I even used it on the “About Us” page), because it so perfectly sums up our mission here at OperationalizeBeauty. Our goal is to empower women and girls to define beauty for themselves– to realize that THEY are the beholder.

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If we internalize the labels that make us feel good, we are in danger of internalizing the ones that make us feel bad, too. We are not beautiful because someone says we are beautiful, we are beautiful because we have taken the time to explore what it means to be beautiful– and we know that we fit the bill!

What is your beauty?